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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I head down to Birkenhead Ave to grab a coffee. You know, the usual spot, that little café called “The Coffee Stop.” I swear, their flat whites are like liquid gold. But guess what? They ran out of beans! I mean, c’mon! How do you run out of coffee beans? I was ready to throw a fit. I mean, I need my caffeine fix, right?

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